T-R-U-S-T

Where do I begin with this? Trust has a very broad range of definitions but the one I want to focus on today is the following :
definition:Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
Those are some very powerful words to use in a definition.
I have struggled with trusting a lot this year. I have not been able to find it in me to have 'firm reliance in the integrity, ability, and character of a special person'.
I know where all the doubts I have ever had have come from and many a times I have even been given reason not to trust but still I find a way of holding onto even the smallest hint at hope.
Why?

Color Complex

As I sat in a classroom filled with black women taking about the difference between being a dark skinned black woman and a light skinned black woman, I could not help but cry.
Light skinned women are seen to be prettier, they are envied by most, they are not as oppressed, they are set apart from the rest. Their fair skin, light eyes, curly hair and 'white' features rank them closer to white than black and so they are automatically the better of the black women.
Light skinned black babies are cuter, light skinned little girls are smarter, light skinned ladies are more sexually appealing, light skinned women are the black woman of choice.
I am a light skinned woman and I HATE MY LIGHT SKIN!
As a little girl I was made fun of. The kids in the neighborhood used to call me 'white pikin'. My long nose and light skin were seen as different and the kids would point and laugh at me.
My father, mother, sisters, brother, uncles, aunties, cousins, grand parents, friends, pastor, etc were all dark skinned black men and women. where ever I went i stood out. In family pictures everyone always asked, 'Who is that light skinned one?' My parents were constantly being questioned about my lighter skin and everytime I would have to stand there with my head down wishing that I did not have to hear them, once again, convince these nosey people that I was indeed their child, I was just lighter skinned.
At school all my friends were dark skinned black boys and girls. I never went unnoticed. I stood out on the assembly grounds, in the classroom, and even when I just wanted to be by myself.
When the curves started to grow in, and my girlfriends and I had our little click where we talked about boys, and make-up and fashion and we would walk down the street, I always got the most attention. I would always here things like, 'Hey light skinned girl,' or to my friends they would say 'appele moi ta copine blanche'.
Even today as a college graduate, i still walk around wishing my skin was darker, wishing my hair was kinkier, wishing I didnt look so different from my family, my friends. I Hate my Light Skin!!!
But on the other hand, it angers me so much that I even have this complex. I want to be able to love the skin i'm in. I want to be able to walk around with my head held up high and not be classified by everyone who walks past me. I dont want to fall into the category of light skinned black woman as opposed to dark skinned black woman.
WHY CAN I NOT JUST BE AN AFRICAN WOMAN?!
An African woman with light skin, curly hair, and curves. No different from every other African/African-American/Black Woman.
Or better yet.
WHY CAN I NOT JUST BE A WOMAN?!
Why does the color of my skin have to determine how much attention i do or do not get? why does it have to affect how much oppression i have to go through?
#heartache

If I Had My Way

You're who I desire.
You light my fire.
With every kiss
you take me higher.
Feeling like your loving
I just cannot resist.
There's something that's making me
hold on.
There's no one I'd rather share my good lovin with.
But I promised I'd wait till im ready for
this.

One day we'll make love
passion unheard of.
I'll be your woman.
If I had my way.
We will see heaven.
loving together.
we wont stop ever.
If I had my way

I love your touch.
It make's me crumble?
How it loves so much.
Look what you've done.
Please don't whisper anything else in my ear.
My body, my heart and my soul is high.
Let me find the strength to get on up outta here.
Cuz one day the way we feel
will be alright

I love you.
Mo doubt about it.
I wont change my mind.
Loves so true.
If I had my way
I will make love to you.

-Chrisette Michele

Being an adult with my parents

Before I start off, I should probably emphasize how much I love my parents. I would not trade them for the world and will forever love, cherish, and respect them. 

All that aside, for the first time ever, I felt legitimately angry at my parents and for the first time I felt like I could actually gather up the strength inside of me to stand up to them.  

I am a well brought up woman. My parents did a very good job raising me. However, they also did a very good job instilling fear in me. I stay away from trouble(for the most part), my priorities are right, I have a good head on my shoulders and even when I slip I always remember and know what I am suppose to do and I always do it.

However, I cannot seem to do me or be me around my parents. I feel like I need to do everything they ask me to do or be everything they want me to be.

Out of respect for them I do all they ask me to do and the pressure of knowing that my entire existence is based on them pushes my desire to respect them even more. But I am done feeling guilty for things I have not even done. I am done feeling like I have to live in the box when I am around them and cannot truly be myself. I want to be treated like an adult and I deserve to be.

I have already been pressured to do a lot of things against my will. A very true recent example is my education and now I am having to bear the consequences for not having been firm enough and stuck to what I knew would be best for me.

Well I finally did gather up the courage to let it all out. I expressed myself fully to my parents and let them in on how much pressure I really am under and gave them an idea of how much I fear them. I like to think that the conversation went well. It was painful but It went well. What I fear, however, is whether or not this will result in better communication and a better understanding. What I do know is I will no longer bottle up all these hard feelings and will be more assertive with my parents. We are all adults around here now might as well start acting like it. 

Two Thousand and Ten

This year is without a doubt my year. I can feel it in my bones. (excuse my use of cliches) lol
I have been thinking about new years resolutions and what I want to do this year and its hard to narrow it down.
First though, I know that this year I have to do me.This year has to be a year focused primarily on me. My time, effort, and energy has been spent on getting people's approval, making other people happy and proud, and I have forgotten to focus on me. I need to regain my sanity, my love for myself, and my desire to live for me.
I'll talk more about this as the year goes by :)
Secondly, I want to pick up a hobby. Ok this one was inspired by the movie Julie & Julia. I want to pick up a hobby, something new and exciting that I will be passionate about and that will take up my time and be that one thing that I actually look forward to during my day. Something I will do all by myself and that will allow me to spend quality time with me and create an environment where I can broaden my horizon and maybe even find a new hidden talent :)
I am looking forward to this year. Tons of blogging because I have a lot that I need to talk about :).
I'm ready for this year!

Where do you draw the line?

Today I have been thinking a lot about 'self''.
What does that mean, to be one's self that is? I know that the term self can be used very loosely and it covers a wide variety of areas so i'll be a little bit more specific. I've been thinking about where to draw the line. I have found that in order to live in the world today and live with people, you have to let go of some of the aspects that contribute to 'self'. So where do you draw the line? Where does compromising, being flexible, and living with people begin to take a destructive toll on the definition of self.
I am one of those people who puts the interest, desires, needs, and requests of others above mine all the time. It is part of who I am. It makes me the compassionate, loving, caring person that I am. While it might be annoying a lot of the time, I have embraced it, love it, and would not be any different. However, lately I have been feeling 'drained'.
'drained' : 1. feeling of exhaustion.
2. feeling like you are giving so much of yourself and are not getting anything in return.
3. feeling of emptiness, frustration, loneliness and sometimes anger mostly as a result of unreached expectations by people you love, cherish, care so very deeply for.
I love to give, love to give of myself, I would do ANYTHING for the people I love the most in this world, I would give ENTIRELY of myself for the people who make my world what it is, I would put aside my interests WHOLEHEARTEDLY for my family, my friends, my better-half. But sometimes I find myself in this place feeling nothing but 'drained'.
So where do you draw the line?

Inspirational friends <3

Today can only very simply be termed as sad. After a long night, tears, puffy eyes, and a massive headache that lasted up until the late hours of this evening, it was great to talk to someone who would immediately raise my spirits. Rather than talk about this person, i'll write this blog to this person.
"You totally put the first real smile on my face today. You are right. Maybe all this mishap in my life is happening for a reason. In the midst of all my tears and worries I failed to take a moment to look at the silver lining in this dark cloud. You opened my eyes to see all the good that could possibly come out of me not getting acceptance into the MPH program. Thank you. I always knew there was a reason why you are a part of my life, a reason why that feeling of intense dislike that i first felt when i first met you changed quickly and has only seemed to grow in a very positive direction since then. Behind your jerk cover :) you are a very amazing person and definitely one my spiritually uplifting friends. Te amo always <3"
I now see the silver lining in this dark cloud because of my inspirational friend.